Suspicions

Deep down I have my suspicions about why the young, hot hockey player wants to spend his time talking, faceTiming, and texting me.    He spends quite a few hours everyday engaging with me.  I get multiple selfies and constant updates throughout the day and evening. I am loving the attention.  This is exactly what I need right now.  I am going through a difficult time and he is exactly the distraction I need. I want.  That sounds terrible of me to say it this way.  Let me continue….

Everything I write I say with the upmost love and respect but, this is my perspective.  I want to describe him for my readers. He is six foot two and about two hundred pounds. He is not jacked by any means but he still has fit body.  He doesn’t have a six pack.  He has brown hair the flows down over his ears and out from under his cap, which he wears everyday.  He actually has a nice collection, he wears a different one each day. About two-third of his hair has a yellow tint, due to junior hockey players bleaching their hair, as a team, for good luck during the play-off part of their season. He has gorgeous deep brown eyes and a crooked smile. His teeth are almost perfectly straight, not exactly white. He hold his head cocked to the right side, just slightly.  He never makes eye contact up close.  His left forearm is covered in ink, as well as his bicep.  He has some Chinese writing on his left forearm.  He always wears the silver chain I gave him. He always scheming, has some idea about how to make money or where the next hang out is going to be.  He seems very manipulative in a street smart kinda way yet lacking in academics.    His knowledge of the English language is fairly advanced yet most sentences he should understand clearly, he claims ignorances.    He is extremely sweet or really knows the exactly the right thing to say to melt any girl’s heart.  He is a little bit jealous and likes control.  He likes it his way or no way.

He is perfect to me. He is exactly perfect.  He is always getting into messes. He gives me so much attention, (I know I keep repeating this). I don’t even know how he finds time to do anything else, he is always texting me.  I feel so included in his life. I am glad he lives far away for now.  My own life is so messy. I don’t want a constant somebody in my face, in my town.  I am not looking for dates on the town or sleep overs.  He always asks me how I’m doing and tells me I’m awesome.  Hearing that he loves me makes me smile.  When we exchange SnapChat he adds things like I’m hot or cute or he wants me.  I like my long distant relationship but, I digress, why does he spend all this time on me?  I am much older and 5,189 miles away.  Why does he do it? I have a few ideas.

He loves that I care about him so much and in turn he has feelings for me. He says he has no one in his life.  I can see this.  The short four months we have been talking I’ve seen him push a lot of ppl out of his life, for small dumb reasons. Tis the generation.  He gets down on himself quite often , at first I thought this was part of the manipulation he used against me, but I think he’s very quick to have negative thought when down and out.  Then there the money. People do a lot of things for money.  I truly believe its a little of both.  I think deep down he really loves me and wants me, when he dares to be honest with himself. Then when he is out with his peers and doing things his mother would disapprove about he gets to question his reasons and with the need for money to have the life style his wishes he starts to change up the game between us and you can see the money manipulation loud and clear.  This is clear when those nights, not every night, he starts to ignore me or sends text claiming that I’m bothering him or giving him headache with my English.  He even goes as far as to say he doesn’t look at his phone while he’s out, ( says the guys who never stops looking at his phone).

I can always tell when he lying or being untruthful, which may be a better term to use here. He will tell me about some new crazy idea and it involves me funding it.   That is when he is most forthcoming with conversation that involves his feelings.  I can get him to say just about anything.  It fun to see how far I can get him to go.  He ends up with what he wants and I get what I want.  But wait, somewhere between us getting to know one another and  liking each other and expanding to this kind of ego stroking, attention getting, scheme funding, selfie sending, sweet talking relationship I think we began to really understand each other.  Only one problem, he has a hard time being honest. So I learned to listen real careful to see what is true and what isn’t. It’s not difficult to hear the differences in his voice or the tone of the texting.  Strangely enough, I liked this, too.   l liked his need to control the situation and accordingly allowed him to always feel in control.  I always put him on a pedestal so to speak, and let him feel like a man in the relationship.  He liked that, being 21 he hadn’t had much experience with these feelings.

In relationships people who are right for each other sometimes find each other.  This was a whirlwind of crazy and unpredictable mix in with two people who need the constant attention to make it through the day.  I was falling for him, hard.  I liked the whole package.  He is great looking and risky.  He makes so many mistakes and looks to me to accept him.  I gave him love and showed him what it means to have someone stand by you.  He shared with me that he was overwhelmed with the amount of love I gave him, it  made him feel invincible.   As I write some of this down it sounds like a giant mess but he is my mess and I am his, together we tightly hug and all our pieces stay together as one.

The most easiest way to hold him up is to text, “You’re awesome!” or ” You’re the bestest!” During this time in the relationship we constantly text extremely uplifting things to each other, I’m not sure how it got started but it seems to keep us both coming back for more.  I’m not even sure by the end of this fourth month we have had in depth conversation about stuff, just stroking his ego and vise versa.  This long distance thing is working out exactly the way we both need it too.

I really do love him. OMG I can’t believe I really love him.  Even after reading this I did some soul searching and I unconditionally love him.  How does that happen?

 

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