Darkness

I grab my phone as our song plays as the text tone, “Good morning, baby” along with a selfie is the “wake up call”.   Our conversation continues, we text back and forth for about hour saying such sweet things to each other. He tells me I’m beautiful and I tell him he’s hot af.  I drool over a few snaps he sends my way. In between some of the texts I doze back to sleep, awaken by our song.  I  ask him if he’s happy and talk to him about what a awesome hockey player he is. He tells me all about his night at the music festival.  He sounds so excited as he talks about the music and the weed and his friends. While I wait for a text back I open Facebook on my phone. The very first thing that pops up  in my face is a picture of my boyfriend kissing another girl with his hands on her butt.

Alone in my room, this imagine is burning a hole in the darkness as I lay perfectly frozen unable to comprehend the last 15 minutes of my morning.  Are you kidding me?!… comes to mind.  My response is void of reaction. My thoughts become chaos and all reason escapes me.  All the distrust flooded me, I am drowning.

I attempt to suppress my initial reaction. I fail.  I try to rationalize the photo and his behavior.  I struggle with the idea that this isn’t a big deal.  I finally become calm enough to text my “find” to my boyfriend with the caption, “WTF?” The mind-blown response is, “I hate it when people tag me in stuff on Facebook.”

At this time, I lock my phone and toss it to the side of my pillow.  Lying there trying to comprehend what just happened, I stare off into the darkness I begin to question myself wondering if I’m overreacting.  He texts again, “It’s nothing.”  I look at post on Facebook, again.  He even commented on it, “You’re my everything.” Surely, he knew I would see it, is that what he wanted?  Did he even care? Was he prepared to deal with my explosion? Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t think at all.

I let him sweet talk his way out of it.  I listen to him tell me how he loves me and that I’m the one that matters.  He even went as far to say she is moving to a neighboring country so it doesn’t matter.  I know deep down it matters, it all matters.  I allow him to let him think he won this infidelity.  After all, what is our relationship? We only share all the moments of our days with one another, we only declare our love and passion for each other, we plan a future together.  Maybe we need to redefine our relationship.

Is he only a distraction from my reality? I look forward to his attention.  Am I only there to fill in the gaps when he is lonely? God know I care about him and he certainly realizes it. He pours his emotions to me about his parents, friends and hockey.  But, how can this be a real relationship? What is real? We care. We love. We listen. We are there for each other, always, without hesitation. We plan. We crave each other.  This is real. My feelings for him are real.  I am not delusional, I know his are too. Why does he continue to have self destructive behavior? Why am I attractive to it? As this story that  he and I create unfolds those answers will come to light. This has just begun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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